Why are you downcast, oh my soul?

Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me! For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God
Psalm 43

So as of late I have definitely felt the same way as the psalmist here. My heart was divided, and the joy of my salvation had lost its glimmer. It's not that I had lost belief in the facts that God is my refuge, my salvation, and my exceeding joy. But that was not the thoughts of the soul- I felt abandoned, rejected, cast down. I felt no joy in the Lord, despite prayer and reading of the word. I felt no desire to praise the Lord, lead small groups, or anything else related with seeking the Lord. Yet this is not a new feeling to me, by any means. Its something that happens to me often, despite my desire for it to not.

The other day I was looking up information on Charles Spurgeon, and I read that throughout his life, the great preacher struggled with mild depression. Among all the incredible things he did in service for the Lord, he constantly felt some hint of despair and worthlessness. I remember reading that and being quite shocked at first. After thinking more on it, I think I know the exact cause of his recurring depression. If his struggle is anything like mine, it has its roots in seeking holiness apart from faith in Christ alone- but I'll get back to that later.

Yet God is faithful. In my ridiculous amount of free time that I have at work, I decided to keyword search "joy" at John Piper's 'Desiring God' site. I stumbled upon his sermon on this psalm, and it resonated deep in my soul as I read. Here's the link: the rest of this makes more sense after reading it. http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/sermons/bydate/2006/1772_I_Will_Go_to_God_My_Exceeding_Joy/

Like the psalmist, I knew that I was in darkness, and that I needed His light and His truth to lead me back to Christ. I yearned to feel His presence again, that I may praise my exceeding joy in worship. These are all things that I have done pretty much every time I've gone through one of these times. Yet here in the psalm is an interesting line, where the psalmist speaks to his own soul: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

He preached to himself. He spoke to his own heart. And then the revelation hit me and it all made sense- I had been listening too much to the voice of self. I had been taking counsel from the flesh and how it feels, as opposed to the Spirit in me. Self would speak to me of its weariness, its hopelessness, its despair- and that's what I believed. I knew it wasn't true, I knew my feelings were ridiculous- yet still, I let self have my attention. I simply was not listening to the Spirit, and not letting Him restore my joy. Here's it put much better:

Martyn Lloyd-Jones, the former pastor and medical doctor from London, described the importance of preaching to ourselves: “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment [in this psalm] was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. ‘Why art thou cast down, O my soul?’ he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: ‘Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.’”

There you have it. Since I realized that I was letting self have my ear, I have been able to reject all he says and thus bring back the hope of Christ. Once I had taken care of the spreading of feelings of despair, I could really evaluate the root of things- the grand struggle of legalism vs. grace through faith. And since this has taken me much longer than I had originally thought it would, I'll go through what the Lord has shown me on that tomorrow.

Hope this has been fruitful for you. May the Lord cast off all of self's influence on His people, and may we take our counsel only from the Spirit in us- not the flesh. May we be filled with the hope and joy of the Gospel, and may our lives bear this fruit as we dwell in Christ. May the Lord abide in us, and we in Him- for apart from Him we can do nothing