The Darkness is Greatest before the Dawn

Short Updates:

1) This past weekend was fantastic.

2) Friday afternoon drive to Tuscaloosa with Chris Hanna resulted in an ESV study Bible and Dan Gerber coming back to stay at the Campbell household. Dan has since been returned, but the Bible is mine. T'was a mere $43.81

3) Played an entertaining game of phase 10 with the family and friends Friday night. Dad won

4) Got sunburned for the first time this summer Saturday. In some weird way it was nice

5) Ate way more ribs, bbq chicken, baked beans, grilled veggies, & corn on the cob than I should have on the 4th. But boy was it delicious.

6) Good conversation with some prayer furnace people at Desoto Caverns.

7) Homemade ice cream is the best

8) I really like the narrative stories of the OT. A whole lot, actually. And Ruth is really growing on me (Although that might just be because Platt's teaching it)

Now for the long/introspective analysis piece of this post. If you got time, go for it.

If you have talked with me at all for the past month and a half, I have fallen into some bit of mild depression, over what is really trivial matters. But yet, even though I knew they were trivial matters, I could not shake off the feelings of... well, dread. I felt no hope for the future, I wasn't really enjoying the company of my friends, I couldn't get motivated, I couldn't completely trust the Lord, I couldn't study His word and really see Him there, or pray and feel His comforting hand, or have confidence in His indwelling presence. These mild depressions are not all that uncommon to me, and I know that their tendency to surface is a great flaw of mine. I have asked the Lord to remove my tendency to go into these lapses of mild depression several times, every time they come up. They are a great hindrance, keeping me from zealously pursuing the Lord and delighting in his beautiful glory. And yet, they remain. Why? If God is the sovereign I AM that he is, why would He afflict his servant in this way?

Well, we find Paul in a similar position in 2 Corinthians 12:7-12. "So to keep me from being too elated by the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from being too elated. Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Did you catch that, oh soul? The most prominent NT author, the one who spoke of himself as being crucified with Christ, the one who healed many and gave all he was to the work of Christ- he was made weak. But this makes no sense! God is limiting his bondservant, who has shown himself to be so sincere and productive in spreading the Gospel! It might be understandable for Paul to afflicted by others, for unrepentant sinners to stone and lash and torture him, for then Paul can display Christ's love and meekness towards his enemies. But for God to allow this messenger of Satan to remain seems contradictory towards the mission that he has bestowed upon his life, this seems to make no sense.

As Paul pleads, His gracious Father answers: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." So what does this mean? That afflictions that seemingly hinder the work of God, actually make it stronger. That when Christ's servants are willing to see every affliction, no matter its origin, as coming from the hand of a gracious Father to perfect His messenger, we may rejoice- for He will see us through. He will not let us truly fail, for we bear His name, remember? And He is jealous for His name. Which means that He is jealous for us.

So I have come to see these difficult times that come, for whatever reason, as a gift from the Father, for in them I am able to show God as faithful and powerful. By the grace of God, there has still been good works produced through these hands this past season- encouragement of the body, new knowledge of the word, and consistent discipleship of a few high school senior guys. And there has been fruit- the Spirit has used this to cultivate in me greater humility. I have come to see how utterly dependent I am upon the vine, and that I can literally do nothing apart from Christ.

The last gem gained from this season is a renewed vigor to dig into the word with reckless abandon, to become a disciplined man of prayer and scripture memorization, and an intense love for the God of my salvation and the beauty of His redemption story. Being on the other side of this, I feel like I can truly attest and affirm to this quote from Charles Spurgeon.

"This depression comes over me whenever the Lord is preparing a larger blessing for my ministry; the cloud is black before it breaks, and overshadows before it yields its deluge of mercy. Depression has now become to me as a prophet in rough clothing, a John the Baptist, heralding the nearer coming of my Lord's richer benison"

So whenever we find ourselves on the walls in the darkest of nights, watching in desperation for the sign of light, may we remember that it is darkest just before the Son breaks the horizon

Snippets of things

I don't have time to do a long post, but I wanted to put a few things out there:

-> I need to be more disciplined. While it is extremely difficult for me, I must get into the habit of waking up at 5 AM for time with the Lord. It makes the day so much better, and must be a discipline for my life. Although, not always necessarily 5... just before I do anything else

-> I definitely can't do a desk job in my life. Whatever I do, I have to be moving and talking with people and having a change of scenery, or something. I can't deal with a lack of personal interaction for long periods of time

-> Scripture memorization is incredible. I've been working on it with some senior high school guys, and its been super good. We've done John 15:1-11, Philippians 2:1-11, Psalm 23, and Colossians 3:1-17. I wish I had started memorizing when I was younger

-> Props to all that have dealt with me complaining about my current co-op stuff. This list would include Philip Waters, Trey Cartledge, Danny Feltham, Bubba Bowen, Mateo and Cherene Melendez, and others.

-> I need to learn how to trust the Lord more. As in, not worry that I've made the wrong decision or that I'm going to miss something in the future or whatever. I need to seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. And take each day one step at a time. And trust the Lord has my steps planned and that He only has good for me

-> All that said, I'm ready for summer to be done. This has been much different than I had anticipated, and I'm really looking forward to being back in Tuscaloosa. Crazy enough, I think I'll have more rest and peace in the midst of the college lifestyle than I do right now...

-> I really enjoy talking with Mateo and Cherene. They are so nice, and they know me incredibly well. I'm not sure I'll take all their advice, but the other night I got to their place at 8 and left at 4:30 the next morning. Stuff about being confident in the Lord's leadership, what my thought tendencies are, and all sorts of other things. They also make extremely good cake

Second Update of the Week... Impressive, yes?

Quick testament of the Lord's goodness here: Turns out I did bust a hole in the transmission running over the light pole... but only in the fluid pan. The repair cost $200... about $800 less than we were thinking it would. Definitely an answer to prayer. Was it a small thing? Absolutely. But still, an incredible answer- I needed to be reminded that the Lord cares about small things.

Now, for the meat of the entry.

I just got out of, at least on the outside, might be one of my least productive times of fasting I have ever done. I say this because I really was not all that intentional with prayer, and I even used the time to sow in the flesh by feeling sorry for myself and complaining to myself and all this nonsense. I slept a lot, and did little.

But God (and I do think I owe Davis Ann thanks for showing me the beauty of this phrase) was far more determined to make it good. He gave to me good, good fruit for my little labor. Eric Sims wrote about a sweet revelation that we, through grace, reap life in Christ despite sowing nothing but death in the flesh. I got a little taste of that myself. He showed to me a few areas I have not been obedient in as of late: 1) Waking up to seek Him in the word and prayer 2) Trusting Him fully 3) Being a bold and faithful witness of Christ.

In response, I asked Him for renewed power through the Spirit to do these things with obedience. And guess what? He's giving me that power. And providing opportunities to obey Him. Yes, Jesus answers prayer.

This morning I got up at 5:30 (not my goal but close), and had an excellent time chewing on John 1:14: "And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth." Glorious.

Also, I felt the need to pick up Piper's Don't Waste Your Life last night. I've almost read it through again. But this time it's having a much stronger impact. I think I was under some allusion that I had my whole life figured out my senior year, and thus this book seemed trivial at the time. I didn't take it seriously. But the Lord has been using it in beautiful ways for me. I'm seeing now more than ever that I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in a few years. But God- He's got it under control. He'll lead me for the utmost of His glory, and for my utmost satisfaction in Him.

And I've gotten more opportunities to talk about the Lord at work as of late. I don't even really bring Him up most of the time- which is sweet. You'd be amazed at how many here are members of Brook Hills. And my supervisor leads a city wide bible study, and goes to the same church as I do (Valleydale). There's still much spread of the gospel to be done here though- and thus still plenty of opportunity to be led by the Spirit and be obedient.

Update and Ramblings

Well, I've got about thirty minutes here before I get some kind of task to do. So here's a somewhat-brief update on things:

1. I'm actually learning to cook from the master of the house- my madre. Last Wednesday I got lessons in cornbread and one of my all-time favorites- fried squash. I know what you're thinking. "Fried squash? How can that be good?" Well, let me remind you that fried okra shouldn't be good- but it is absolutely delicious. Same kind of thing here. Don't knock it till you try it.

I also made lasagna last night. It was quite pleasing to the taste buds...

2. My car is out of commission for a bit. While driving to the prayer furnace Friday, I noticed something in the road. I was coming off the interstate, and by the time I noticed it, it was too late to completely avoid it. I pulled over and went to investigate what this item was in the road. Well, it was a light pole. Yes, a big, steel light pole. This other guy and I pulled it off the road, and I was hoping against all odds that nothing terrible happened to my car.

But my car didn't shift gears right. I'd step on the gas, and it would simply rev the engine. While the Lord has answered past prayers from Makar dealing with technology healings, it just didn't happen (despite some anointing oil). Turns out there's a hole in the transmission. I'm not a car expert, but it's looking to be around $1000 or so. Fantastic.

Of course, the whole thing could have been much worse, and I was thankful the Lord protected me as He did. I'm also glad I got the opportunity to move the pole out of the road and prevent other transmissions from catastrophic damage.

3. Study on humility with Valleydale senior guys is good. Its tough, and attendance is never super high- but the guys that come really want it. And I've seen a bit of fruit from it already. Like when Sam told me about this girl that he's gotten to share some of the Gospel with, and who has suddenly started texting him, looking for hope and meaning in life. He told her to read John 15:1-11 (Abiding in Christ, the vine)- the passage we had just memorized. And she broke down as she read it. Like, the Spirit moving as she read the word. How sweet is that? I was so proud of Sam, pointing this girl to Christ. Pray for this girl- Hannah Stine. Right now. Before you read another sentence. Ok thanks

4. Observation: I really enjoy storms. Watching the lightening flash, hearing the thunder rumble, seeing the wind bend the trees. It's fantastic. The Lord speaks to me a lot through storms- hence part of the reason for the blog name. Maybe one day I'll go more into that. But there have been incredible storms-a-plenty as of late.

5. The other night I went on a late night walk around the neighborhood lake. This is where I constantly went in high school, biking and running and just walking around. Its a bit of an escape, where I can get away from things and pray. The night time is always the best though. The Lord reminded me of a lot of things He's told me, and the identity He's given to me. That I am made to intercede, all the time. That I'm in Tuscaloosa for a reason, and He's got bigger plans than I can even begin to envision for the next semester. That I am a leader of leaders, whatever that means. And that I am loved by the Almighty, who placed the stars in the sky. I am loved by the God that created thousands upon thousands of galaxies to testify of His glory. I am loved by the perfect God that sent His Son as a ransom for many. Hallelujah.

Well, there's my 30 minutes. I haven't forgotten about my promise to address legalism vs grace- give me a few days and I'll come back to it.

One last thing- God is good. Mmhmm

Why are you downcast, oh my soul?

Vindicate me, O God, and defend my cause against an ungodly people, from the deceitful and unjust man deliver me! For you are the God in whom I take refuge; why have you rejected me? Why do I go about mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me; let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling! Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy, and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God
Psalm 43

So as of late I have definitely felt the same way as the psalmist here. My heart was divided, and the joy of my salvation had lost its glimmer. It's not that I had lost belief in the facts that God is my refuge, my salvation, and my exceeding joy. But that was not the thoughts of the soul- I felt abandoned, rejected, cast down. I felt no joy in the Lord, despite prayer and reading of the word. I felt no desire to praise the Lord, lead small groups, or anything else related with seeking the Lord. Yet this is not a new feeling to me, by any means. Its something that happens to me often, despite my desire for it to not.

The other day I was looking up information on Charles Spurgeon, and I read that throughout his life, the great preacher struggled with mild depression. Among all the incredible things he did in service for the Lord, he constantly felt some hint of despair and worthlessness. I remember reading that and being quite shocked at first. After thinking more on it, I think I know the exact cause of his recurring depression. If his struggle is anything like mine, it has its roots in seeking holiness apart from faith in Christ alone- but I'll get back to that later.

Yet God is faithful. In my ridiculous amount of free time that I have at work, I decided to keyword search "joy" at John Piper's 'Desiring God' site. I stumbled upon his sermon on this psalm, and it resonated deep in my soul as I read. Here's the link: the rest of this makes more sense after reading it. http://www.desiringgod.org/ResourceLibrary/sermons/bydate/2006/1772_I_Will_Go_to_God_My_Exceeding_Joy/

Like the psalmist, I knew that I was in darkness, and that I needed His light and His truth to lead me back to Christ. I yearned to feel His presence again, that I may praise my exceeding joy in worship. These are all things that I have done pretty much every time I've gone through one of these times. Yet here in the psalm is an interesting line, where the psalmist speaks to his own soul: "Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God."

He preached to himself. He spoke to his own heart. And then the revelation hit me and it all made sense- I had been listening too much to the voice of self. I had been taking counsel from the flesh and how it feels, as opposed to the Spirit in me. Self would speak to me of its weariness, its hopelessness, its despair- and that's what I believed. I knew it wasn't true, I knew my feelings were ridiculous- yet still, I let self have my attention. I simply was not listening to the Spirit, and not letting Him restore my joy. Here's it put much better:

Martyn Lloyd-Jones, the former pastor and medical doctor from London, described the importance of preaching to ourselves: “Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? Take those thoughts that come to you the moment you wake up in the morning. You have not originated them but they are talking to you, they bring back the problems of yesterday, etc. Somebody is talking. Who is talking to you? Your self is talking to you. Now this man’s treatment [in this psalm] was this: instead of allowing this self to talk to him, he starts talking to himself. ‘Why art thou cast down, O my soul?’ he asks. His soul had been depressing him, crushing him. So he stands up and says: ‘Self, listen for a moment, I will speak to you.’”

There you have it. Since I realized that I was letting self have my ear, I have been able to reject all he says and thus bring back the hope of Christ. Once I had taken care of the spreading of feelings of despair, I could really evaluate the root of things- the grand struggle of legalism vs. grace through faith. And since this has taken me much longer than I had originally thought it would, I'll go through what the Lord has shown me on that tomorrow.

Hope this has been fruitful for you. May the Lord cast off all of self's influence on His people, and may we take our counsel only from the Spirit in us- not the flesh. May we be filled with the hope and joy of the Gospel, and may our lives bear this fruit as we dwell in Christ. May the Lord abide in us, and we in Him- for apart from Him we can do nothing

Changing Direction

I've been working at Southern Nuclear in Birmingham, Alabama, for a grand total of three and a half weeks now. And I hate it. It's not the people- I love my co-workers and the other co-op students. I like the idea of working with energy generation, and I have ever since going to see my dad at Plant Barry in Mobile back when I was a young 'un. But, I hate sitting at a desk all day, looking and analyzing small details. I hate feeling like what I do with the majority of my time is meaningless. I hate how difficult it is for me to abide with Christ here, and I feel like I'm wasting my life away.

I know this might seem overly dramatic (something I've constantly asked the Lord and myself). And, to some degree it is. If I worked here in the future I know I'd have more interesting assignments, and I might somewhat enjoy it. But this time has made me observe the whole idea of being a vocational engineer to much greater detail than I ever have before. And I now know that it is not what I really want.

Oh, but there are aspects I want- or at least part of me does. I want the security. I want the steady income (not even for a nice house, or comfortable lifestyle- but to go on missions, and serve the Lord). I want to work with big machines and systems. I want the respect and support of my family (dad).

But it's killing my soul. So I've been prayed for by friends as I relay my frustrations, and I got some good advice from Makar- pray for personal mandates from the Lord for my life, and then base my decisions around those mandates. Seems like a good idea to ask the Lord for wisdom- multiple times He tells us He'll answer if we have faith (like James 1:5-8). So today I fasted to try and figure out what I am made to do. God is faithful, and He has answered my cries- to some degree.

A quote that has stuck with me for a while comes from John Eldridge's Wild at Heart. While I wouldn't highly recommend that book now, it had a huge impact on me when I was 13. The quote is something like this: "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Find out what makes you come alive, and go do that- because what the world needs is people alive."

What the Lord has shown me is that my deep passions, and what makes me come alive, are found in serving the Church. I enjoy sacrificing and spending myself in seeing the Church attain greater unity and purity. That's what I constantly long to see, my dream and desire. To see her impact the culture around her, and to truly love her Lord more than life itself- that's what I want to labor for in this life.

I long for my work to be significant. Not that I be deemed significant, or be recognized and applauded by men- that is not of any consequence to me. I want to be involved in something bigger than myself, and to spend myself there and know that I have proven to be faithful in what little I have been entrusted with in this life.

So, I think that's the direction I'm headed these days.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church." Ephesians 5:25-32

Welcome

Back in the day I once blogged. From freshman to junior year I used the ol' live journal, and it was pretty fun I suppose. It was a way to type out all my ridiculous emotional highs and lows (primarily concerning some girl), and it also contained some good stuff about the Lord and lots of song lyrics. But eventually I found out that nobody really used live journal anymore, and as such I followed suit.

But today's a new day, and thus I'm going to give blogging another shot. I'm thinking it'll be a good way of typing out what the Lord's been teaching me, as well as sharing what's going on from my perspective and all that goodness. 

Hope you enjoy it blogging world